My dog, the goat...and his "issues"

So, my 14-year-old dog has a serious gas problem. And so does his 12-year-old "sister." And while it might have once been funny to see how fast they could clear a room, now it is just seriously annoying. My kids even wave pillows to try and waft the smell away from "those stinky dogs"...it's hilarious. Then again, if I were technically 98 (14 in people years), I guess I'd expect to have some intestinal issues, too! We joke that our poor, 70-pound mutt is decomposing from the inside out and letting us share in the "life process." (Come on, you have to laugh or you'd cry...literally.)

And if it stopped at gas, it might be a bit of an irritating problem, but no big deal really.

Well, no such luck.

My sweet, British-looking pooch (put some glasses on his nose and I swear he'll start reading you Dickens) has now decided he doesn't have to be my sweet pooch any longer. In fact, I think he might have flicked me and life off the other day...he's just over all of us. And I have to admit, it's pretty damn funny.

He has 3 main goals these days, it appears:
1) Ignore any attempt to get his attention. In fact, when you call his name, IF he decides to turn his head, it's more because he has to chew on his backside or tail...he almost fakes you out that he's heard you. Most of the time, he plays the "I can't hear you, I'm so tired and old" card, but drop a cookie and you'll watch him sprint like a frickin' Greyhound pup.

2) Eat anything that remotely smells like, looks like or could eventually be...food. So, that means, eating food out of my kids' hands if they're not watching (two grilled cheese sandwiches, a plate of cookies, tons of nuts/snacks, and some playdough--technically it IS food), eating garbage out of the garbage can, drinking pee from the toilet (I know, lovely!), eating crayons (yumm...waxy), eating grass and anything nut-like that'll bind him up for days... The result? Have I mentioned gas? ;)

3) Oh, and the BEST one: poop anywhere outside EXCEPT the grass! In fact, he loves the driveway a whole lot. Especially when he sees us watching him...it's like he's saying "I'm really old and tired and if I want to go on the cement, I will...and you'll just have to deal." Do you remember the movie Grumpy Old Men? Yep, exactly.

So, here's the best story...and what has prompted this post. Yesterday, I get home in the pouring rain and run to let the dogs out who are crossing their paws. They run out into the pouring rain to do their business and fly back in the door soaking wet, poor babies. I feed them and they proceed to inhale the food.

10 minutes later I hear some lovely sounds near the couch where the boys are watching cartoons and there is my 12-year-old dog throwing up her dinner. GREAT. I clean that up (amidst kids telling me how much it stinks and how "pee-uuu" gross it is) only to hear them saying "Morrrryyyy!!!" There is my old-man mutt taking a walking poop across my kitchen! And he's not being shy about it in the least bit--in fact, I think he was enjoying it. So I say something to the effect of: "What's your damage, dog??" and he gives me a look and proceeds to walk across the room and lay down...out of pure exhaustion, it appears. (You know, a good poop can do that to ya...)

I laugh now b/c I could see his little mind thinking: "I'm old and it's raining...nope, not gonna do it. Kitchen floor is the answer. Yep. Done."